Day five (sorta)

D was out of town most of last week, and that would usually have been a perfect opportunity for disordered eating. Knowing that I had a few days (or hours) without anyone 'watching' (not that D does watch me) was often a trigger for me. If I was able to leave work early, or had an extra bit of time traveling between my two jobs, I often used that time to binge. It would start off "innocently;" I would tell myself that I was just going to grab one cookie, or eat just a little bit of popcorn, and then all hell would break loose.
But this week, I was fine. I had the kids Wed and Thurs night, and did not even feel tempted to "get them" pizza or another treat (which I would then enjoy, too. Until I stopped enjoying it because I ate all the things), drinks Friday night with CT and EM (CT is the woman who married us two weeks ago today!) and then dinner with my friend DB. On Saturday, I did some errands and work around the house with my friend MB which made me feel organized and productive, went to a graduation party for HG and had dinner with CA. And on all of the occasions, I was fine! I did not eat cake at HG's party just because it was there (I was not hungry at the time), and although I totally enjoyed myself at drinks and dinner on both days, I did not lose my mind. I exceeded my calorie goal on Friday, but not by a ton, and I did not use that as an excuse to go crazy.
I think having a goal for calories, but not seeing it as an absolute because I am trying to lose X pounds a week, is helping. Right now, I have only two goals: eat "like a normal person" (no binges and a rough calorie goal of 1500 per day) and try to get some exercise. When I exceeded my calorie goal on Friday, I was able to keep perspective (this was helped by the fact that I was a bit under my goal on Thursday, and by the fact that I was not over by 1000 calories) by reminding myself that it is a marathon. If I stay on track more often than not, I will slowly feel better about myself.
I have been struggling with exercise. I feel unworthy of exercising. I know that makes little to no sense, but I feel like I am so out of shape, that I just can't imagine being out in public (running or going to the gym or yoga) and working out. As if everyone would be looking at me, thinking 'there's another fat girl whose body will never change'
I did exercise yesterday, though. It was an absolutely gorgeous day here, and in the past, I would have gone for a run outside, but I just could not bring myself to do it. Instead I used the treadmill in my building for 50 mins. I walked 99% of the time (3.7 mph at 5 incline), but I got my ass in gear, and that is what matters.
I am using MyFitnessPal to track calories, but I am not using it to track exercise. I do not want to see exercise as a means to eat more. I want my eating to reflect my hunger only; if I am hungry, I will eat, and if I am not, I will not. Knowing that I have X "free" calories has too often meant eating them just because I might not have those tomorrow.